I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
