thus making me awesome and them whores
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
