She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
