Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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