I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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