seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
