so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
