My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
