When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
