I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
