My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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