If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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