Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
