I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
