I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
