I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
