I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
