The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
