I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
