ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
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So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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