I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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