Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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