when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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