Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
