i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
