when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
