Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
