1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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