I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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