Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
