I'm jealous of your bromance
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
