how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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