Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
