he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
