I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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