Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
