Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im six kinds of drunk right now
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
