At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
