Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
