Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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