Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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