I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
