I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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