So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
