The maid of honor just puked.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
