I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
