he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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