Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
