My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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