Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
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We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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