then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
