the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
