Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
