I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
