Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
