I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
